September 2005

Greetings Lemonaders!

The intention of this newsletter is to give you the resources, news and insights you need to be a strong, successful and resourceful single parent - no matter what your circumstances are!

Busy single parents are always juggling work, homework, dates - and playdates. We worry about our finances, our schedules, our kids (be they two or teens), our health. We have to mother, father, coach and guide to our children, and sometimes we don't even have the strength or motivation to get out of bed. It's here you'll find encouragement, resources and assistance from the community of other single parents out there in charted and unchartered territories. It's here you can read and send in your own tips, tools and wins to share with other like minded parents.

So, take a deep breath, grab some tea, water...or something stronger and take some time for yourself to recharge your batteries. This time is for YOU!

About Me
I'm a single parent just like you. Years ago, when I got divorced, Sam was only 5. Upon going to my first PTA meeting, I was saddened and a bit outraged that nothing was addressed to 'single' parents. I took the initiative to speak to the school principal and created a single parent group that grew over the years to be district-wide. I also took the support and information I gathered to the web and created Making Lemonade. The reason I chose that name was because I was making lemonade from the lemons in my life. I made it sweet from support I was giving and getting, and I made a lot of it to share with parents like you! I suggest you can do the same, whether its through participating in the many programs on Making Lemonade or within your community. I can help you by giving you more and more insights, resources and tools...just let me know!

Please let me hear from you, and feel free to let me know of resources you have found and tips and tools you have learned and gathered. Share the wealth of experience you have had being a strong and resourceful single parent...there are so many new single parents out there, who may be alone, scared, confused -- they need what you have, and you can always learn from them as well! And, remember... you are not alone!

Share a Laugh with your Child! Cartoon Network's all new Tickle U, launches weekdays from 9 to 11 am starting August 22. To learn more about the new programs, characters and laughter you'll be discovering with your children, visit http://www.TickleU.com

A treat from Disney and it's free!

Walt Disney Home Entertainment is pleased to announce “Disney Moms”, our exclusive ongoing email series filled with timesaving tips, interactive tools to simplify your life, and fun ideas to share with your family. Best of all it's delivered right to your email inbox where it's convenient and easy to enjoy. Register today and we'll share the magic with your child by sending them a personalized birthday card from Disney on his or her special day.

Click here to join: http://www.guerillamom.com/go/go.php/lilo1

Overcoming Divorce Trauma
by Kristina Diener, Psy.D.

Foolproof Strategies for Maintaining Your Child's Equilibrium

As is typical in practically every divorce, your children are usually the last know. Even when a marriage is fraught with discord, children generally hold onto the wish that their parents will somehow manage to stay together, or, like The Parent Trap, they can engineer a modicum of a truce. But in the real world, acrimonious marriages generally end in equally contentious divorces. When that happens, a constellation of emotions surface, feelings of abandonment rage, psychological dysregulation, and immense anger are but a few of the overwhelming feelings children experience. Divorce is never easy. Even in the most civilized of circumstances, almost everybody is put through the wringer, with children suffering the most. But what happens when you are the cause of their pain? Even in the final stages of a divorce, many parents still don't want to own it. They know that they must do something about their child's anguish, but they're just too busy fighting the custody battles, property settlements, and a host of other issues that need to be resolved. Such parents are sometimes accused of putting their needs before that of their children. The kids think their parents are selfish for not listening. Who really loses? Do they feel they can express themselves? Read on for tips on how to create a safe and contained atmosphere for your children to maintain their self-esteem and emotional equilibrium.

The Trauma Trilogy
Trauma, masking as stress and anguish, are usually the first to manifest in a child, causing them to feel despairing, hopeless, and lost. When the child suffers such a devastating personal loss with the divorce of her parents, depression and the erosion of self esteem is usually the first to occur. In many cases, the child blames himself for the demise of his parent's union and is overwhelmed with grief. Trauma experiences in children can produce oppressive feelings of sadness, recurring anger, self-blame, and even violence. A national study conducted by the Department of Health and Human Services in the late 1990's concluded that:

* Children under the age of 18 suffer 40% more anxiety as a result of their parent's divorce, and that rate is doubled if the parent divorces multiple times;
* After a child is diagnosed with depression, there is a fifty percent chance of recurrence if the problem is not ameliorated; and,
* Three quarters of children under 18 polled stated they would rather live with a relative than endure the stress and trauma or another divorce or combative parents.

Human physiological response is not unlike animals. Born with survival instincts, when we feel threatened or endangered, the sympathetic nervous system, otherwise known as the flight or fight response, kicks in and ignites a set of physiological and neurological mechanisms to confront the situation and produce a stress reaction. However, in spite of years of extensive research and clinical studies, the understanding of trauma and its aftermath is still in its nascent stages. Though in 1966, trauma was characterized as "the neglected disease of modern history," it is now is recognized as one of the most enduring psychological problems. Only since 1980 did the American Psychological Association include a classification for post traumatic stress disorder, or PTSD, and is recognized as a forerunner to clinical depression. Depending on the child's age, clinical depression and trauma may mask itself as aggression or sadness, which many parents mistake as aggression as a result of the divorce. "In this case," says Mary Cotchello, MA, MFT, a marriage and family therapist in private practice in Omaha, Neb., "stressful situations are misdiagnosed, and the child is accused of 'acting out' and being aggressive for no known reason. Problematically, there IS a reason, but it goes unacknowledged."

Emotional Casualties
Recognizing the difficulties in managing your child's emotions, and how differently they manifest themselves is a challenge in itself. According to Margaret Mearson, Ph.D., a family therapist who specializes in divorce cases in Palm Springs, Calif., and an extensive lecturer on the subject of human behavior, believes that children will respond to stressful situations in a variety of functional ways. "Keep in mind that 'functional' is what the child uses to cope. In some cases, they may act violent, other times, guarded and silent, and in rare cases, they may actually tell you how they really feel. The last, of course, is a novelty," laughs Dr. Mearson. "Usually it's the other two." Some signs to look for in children who are experiencing depression are:

* Loss of spontaneity. "This is one of the first problems to occur, and one of the most primary. Humans are wired for fun and adventure, and when your child becomes morose, consider it indicative of a serious problem," says Dr. Mearson.
* Excessive brooding. While some children are able to bounce back after a divorce, others take longer, but a child who has become gloomy for a long period of time is probably not going to get better without professional assistance. Withdrawal should not linger for months on end.
* Your child's grades have dropped dramatically. "The difference in 'dramatically' is anything from forgetting to do homework on a regular basis to seeing grades drop," says Bryon Pierce, MA, LMFT, a marriage and family therapist in Hartford, Conn., and author of the upcoming "Divorce Your Style: Creating A Class Act," due out in November 2005.
* You suspect your child is using alcohol or drugs. "Believe it or not, it's never to early for them to start experimenting, and it's never too late for you to discuss the subject with them," says Byron. "If you have any reason to suspect this, do something before it's too late."
* Your child has lost interest in his favorite activities. "Did he like to play soccer? Paint? Did your daughter spend every other Saturday with her best friend? A loss of participation in social affairs creates isolation, a condition commonly seen in depression," says Byron.
* Your child becomes moody and irascible, snapping at simple questions or not responding to reasonable requests. "If you ask your child to take out the trash and she flies off the handle, that's an extreme reaction," says Dr. Mearson. "Take a good look at that."

Save your kids before you divorce
The point of any sane divorce is to get the children through it with the least amount of psychological harm as possible. One of the most damaging aspects of divorce, according to statistics from researchers and family courts, is open parental conflict. A study of more than 2,000 divorced people in 1999 revealed that more than 50% still argued in front of their kids. "Conflict of this nature creates a breeding ground for open warfare. This is the worst thing you can possibly do," says attorney Rose Cohen, a family law specialist in Woodland Hills, Calif. "Argue anywhere except in front of your kids. This kind of discord is very disconcerting and creates a more hostile environment. Children should never be within listening range when their parents are fighting." Such altercations create serious problems with kids, ranging from lack of trust to aggression.

Exposing children to conflict also places them in what psychologists call "Loyalty Conflicts," forcing them to choose sides. According to Catherine Lee, Psy.D., a psychologist in private practice in Los Angeles and author of numerous essays on divorce and the emotional outcome on children, Loyalty Conflicts "damage a child's self-esteem and sense of emotional security. They feel they cannot be safe with one parent or the other. To whom can they turn?" If you are not able to communicate civilly with each other, consider doing it through your attorneys.

Establish a working relationship with your ex. "Even if it's easier said than done. You may not be husband and wife any longer, but you are still parents to your children," says Dr. Lee. "This is truly a matter of the Best Interests of the Child. Make it your business to be a class act all the time, especially for the children," she concludes. "You won't be sorry."

Modify your expectations. Divorce brings out the ugly side of people. Just ask Kate Fellows, a professional mediator in Trenton, N.J. Kate has mediated more than two hundred divorces and says she cannot recall one single episode where both parties did not try to control and exploit each other. "By resorting to manipulation, and worst of all, lies, divorcing couples are forgetting who they're hurting the most," says the exasperated intermediary. "Remember, in the eyes of your child, you're also injuring each other." Do the best you can to distance yourself from this kind of volatile situation.

Try to be flexible. Who gets them on Christmas day, New Years Eve, whatever, "remember that you're doing this for your child, above all," says Dr. Mearson. Where children are concerned, nothing is predictable. Try to understand your child's perspective and remind yourself how difficult it is for them, and how you can teach them to overcome even the toughest times. "This is a great time to teach your kids that they're bigger than their problems," she says.

If you suspect abuse, do something about it immediately. "But never use this a means to gain custody," warns Jake Meyers, a family law attorney in Seattle. "That is practically a sure method of losing completely. Let your attorney know about the suspected abuse and report the culprit to your local Child Protective Services, and keep careful documentation of all complaints from your child. Look for bruises, take pictures, and do everything you legally can to keep your child from being abused again."

Remember the five psychological components: Acceptance, Guidance, Understanding, Stability and Unconditional Love. "If you can give them this much," says Dr. Mearson, "you're way ahead of the game."

Get Help
For yourself, that is. There is absolutely no shame in seeking professional psychological assistance. An easy referral source is through your divorce attorney or family doctor.

Kid Reassurances

1. Assure your child the divorce is not their fault. They'll need to hear this one repeatedly.
2. Find them a support system. Get them involved in after school programs, sports, a reading class, anything that will keep them occupied and absorbed in a constructive endeavor.
3. Stop blaming each other. It doesn't matter to your kids who did what to each other, only that their parents are splitting up and the entire situation is painful for them. Make it clear that, while you and your ex do not love each other, you still love your child and will always be there for them.
4. Make yourself available to talk, reassure, comfort, and assuage their fears. Answer their questions honestly without assaulting each other. Remember, you had children with your ex, so find it in your heart to at least respect that aspect of them.

Kid friendly divorce movies:
Man of the House
A Chevy Chase film depicting a step-father who is reluctantly welcomed by his step-son and promotes two important themes: divorced single parents can actually develop an intense relationship with their step-children. A positive impact film, especially for boys.

Paradise
The son of a single mother is left in a small town with a man and his wife when his mother is pregnant. The child then tries to for his own nuclear family with them, reflecting the tendency to seek some kind of solace in a two parent family.

Kristina Diener, Psy.D.

E-mail: kdienerpsyd@pacbell.net

The Law of Acceptance - The first and possibly most important spiritual law is that everything is as it should be. Nothing occurs by accident and there are no coincidences. We are always evolving, whether we are aware of it or not. And our lives are divinely designed for each one of us to get exactly what we need to support our own unique evolutionary process.

The Law of Surrender - When we stop resisting and surrender to our situation exactly as it is, things begin to change. Resistance is the number-one culprit in denying us our right to heal. We resist out of fear that if we let go, if we surrender, our lives will go out of control or we will be faced with circumstances we can't handle. When we are willing to look at our situation and admit that we don't know how to fix it, we are ready to get the help we need.

The Law of Divine Guidance - God will do for us what we cannot do for ourselves. When we get out of our own way and let go of our defenses, we become humble. Humility is the doorway through which the Divine can walk into our lives. Without humility, we believe we can do it ourselves. Without humility, our false sense of pride, or ego, prohibits us from seeing the entire situation with clear eyes. Our egos remain in charge until we step outside our righteous belief that we are independent and separate beings. As long as this myth is intact, we keep the door closed to our higher wisdom.

The Law of Responsibility - With divine guidance, we can look at exactly how we participated in and co-created our divorce drama. We can begin to take responsibility for our entire situation and make peace with our past. We can see how we have chosen the perfect partner to teach us the perfect lessons. Once we have asked God to come into our lives and guide us, we begin to heal.

The Law of Choice - Haven taken responsibility, we can choose new interpretations that empower us. We become responsible and the designer of our new reality. We can separate from our partner and cut the karmic cords by taking back the aspects of ourselves that we've projected onto our mate. We can distinguish what our self-defeating behaviors have been and learn how to act instead of react in difficult situations.

The Law of Forgiveness - After we have cut the karmic cord, we will be able to ask God to forgive us. Asking for forgiveness allows us to let go of our judgments and beliefs about what is right and what is wrong and find compassion for our entire selves. Compassion unfolds when we are in the presence of the perfection of the Universe, when we can experience ourselves in another. It comes with the great understanding of the difficulties and ambiguity of being a human being. Compassion is God's grace for those who ask. Once we have received compassion for ourselves, we will be able to find compassion and forgiveness for our mate.

The Law of Creation - Experiencing the freedom of forgiveness opens up the gates to new realities. Forgiveness breaks all the cords that keep us tied to the past. It allows us to experience an innocent heart filled with love and excitement for life. This is the time to create a new future, one grounded in our divine truth.

Our Sponsor this month:

Want to run away from your teen, but have no where to hide?

I've learned to give myself a time out when my teen gets to be too much. I've read books, I've spoken to other parents who have lived through the teen years and I've buckled my seat belt for the long ride. But most importantly is finding support, sharing tips and tools and knowing that I am not alone. So, it is for this very reason, I have created a support network for single parents of teens. Join the chatting group online, create your own offline groups within your school system or community, ask for help and guidance and take your vitamins!

Yes, and we have to remember we were teens once too. And if your parenting life is anything like mine, YOUR mother’s words would be echoing in your ear “May you have a child that treats you exactly like you’re treating me”. My son has even gone as far as calling himself – *my karma*. Of course, we live in Southern California. The land where 13 year old girls call boys up until 1:00am and middle school children think certain kinds of sex isn’t sex at all (thank you ex-President Clinton). This is why communication is key. This is also why we need to let go of the old ways of parenting – the rules have changed.

What are the rules?

I believe we have to create them as we go along. What I know is that I need to re-parent myself as much as I parent my teenager. I can’t tell you how alarming it is to hear my own mother’s words come out of my mouth – “you don’t appreciate what I do for you”, “how can you be so inconsiderate”…when did I become my own mother? How did I lose myself when my teenager’s hormones kick in and he tells me I don’t know “anything”.

http://www.makinglemonade.com/teenagers.htm

Sign up for our email support group and find out about resources and services for single parents of teens!

It takes a village to raise a child!

Create your OWN support group! Get help with the setup, flyers and organization of your single parent support groups.

We're creating a forum for single parents, along with teleclasses and the ability to connect with single parents in your area. We're offering you a 12 page special report that gives you everything (information, research, facts, forms, ideas) you need to begin your own groups within your community! Simply follow the link and the special report with its special rate will be emailed to you within 24 hours!

Single Parenting Tele-classes!!

A Tele-Class is a mentoring and support group conducted over the telephone. You'll be hearing experts in their field speak on subjects of interest to you --legalities of divorce, joint and sole (soul) parenting, custody, time management, stress reduction, parenting a teenager, dating do's and don'ts, tips for parents by choice or by loss, financial management and more!

Check out our Poets at Heart section - it's my personal favorite!

http://makinglemonade.com/newcreative/creative8.htm

Single Mothers Raising Sons - Profiling Powerful and Effective Single Mothers. This is the place to share our experiences as single moms raising boys. Send in your stories and experiences!

The Rantings of Jodi Seidler "Jodi Seidler is fast becoming the Erma Bombeck of our parenting times. With a whimsical wit and a stream of consciousness style, Jodi's ponderings represent the single parents of today."

3 Step Divorce - order it now!

Read all about Dating as a Single Parent!!!

(Written by yours truly!)

Find love...

For of you that are writers, please connect with me - Chicken Soup is now doing a "For the Divorced Soul". I have ALL the guidelines you'll need to submit YOUR story! email me at: Jodi@makinglemonade.com!

As always, I remain your lemonade maven,

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