First of all we need to change some of the beliefs we carry around in our heads about who this other person is, for it is our ideas that create our emotional reactions. It is natural for us to assign motives to another, to blame, and to focus on what the other is doing rather than to focus upon ourselves. If a spouse is late to pick up a child, we assume he does not care or that he is doing it just to get even or to exert his power. If a mother says she needs money for something or the other, her ex may immediately react with anger remembering that she never could control her spending habits. If a father says he has to work late and cannot see the children a certain night, the mother is likely to become vindictive and reply that he cannot see them at all that week. The examples go on and on of how we become rigid and unbending because we do not trust the goodwill of the other. We rarely look at ourselves to see how we contribute to the ongoing battle.

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