Letting Go of Divorce

1. Make or plan to make a decision to let go. There is a big difference between deciding versus trying to decide with the possibility kept around that you just might not do it. Until, for example, you actually decide to take a trip, you don't buy the tickets, take the time off work, etc.

A genuine decision to let go requires that the majority of your internal parts agree that it is a good idea. You can't force resistant parts of yourself to change any more than you can force resistant people to change. You can, however, facilitate the process by treating each of your reluctant parts like you might treat a reluctant friend you hope will join you on a trip. As if talking with another person, respectfully ask each part what it needs to let go, and negotiate patiently with it until you can feel it join the decision to let go.

2. Write a paragraph or two that summarizes your story -- the existence of the marriage, when and how it died, and why it died. The goal of this summary is to reach a conclusion that works for you. It's important to make this YOUR story and not think that it has to agree in whole or even in part with your divorcing spouse's version of what happened. Keep in mind that one of the advantages of divorce is that you need no longer struggle for consensus with someone whose views of reality have seldom agreed with yours in recent years -- if ever.

Don't try to make your story exactly right or complete. It need only sum things up for now. You will likely revise it later, but having this tentative summary will make it easier to tell the story to other people and to yourself. You may wish to have somewhat different versions for yourself, for close friends, and for mere acquaintances. The main idea is to achieve some sort of closure that allows your wondering and wandering mind and others' questions to quiet down and rest. Like you, your story only needs to be good enough for now. Even better will come later.