SOMETIMES THE BEST HELP WE CAN GIVE THEM IS NO HELP AT ALL

By: Rich Warren

With each of my daughters I remember the day they took their first steps by themselves. Working at home enabled me to be around much of the time and that's how I got to be there when it happened. Actually, my wife and I were both there with our first daughter. I remember she was holding onto my index fingers, the grasp of her tiny fists as she pulled herself upwobbling from side to side and sporting this huge grin that went from ear to ear. She looked from me to my wife as she tentatively took her first step and her knee immediately buckled. She was still holding onto my fingers so she never touched the ground. She took one step and then another and her ability to continue holding onto me became strained as we both stretched our arms as far as we could till finally, she let go of me and she weaved her way across the floor to her "kvelling" mom with her outstretched arms waiting to catch her and embrace her.

As soon as she arrived she dropped to the floor exhausted and totally satisfied with herself. We applauded as if we'd just seen a record set at the Olympics and just as proud of our little athlete as any parent of a Gold Medal Winner would be. Within seconds, our daughter pulled herself up the front of her mother's shirt, turned herself around and, this time with only one hand holding on at the start, picked up speed and made her way back to me like a drunken sailor. That was the beginning of letting go. The easiest part. Easy not only because of the task at hand but because it was something we all wanted to see and have happen.

So, the letting go part was simple, inevitable and pre-determined to happen with our total blessing. But, as the years have worn on - the girls are now twenty and sixteen - those moments of knowing when to help and when to let them do it on their own has gotten tougher to discern...the choice of right and wrong getting blurred sometimes by the need to protect or educate over riding their need to experiment, risk and learn on their own and from their own mistakes. It's hard enough making our own mistakes and living with the consequences. I think, as a parent, it is nigh onto impossible to watch our kids do likewise. But, if they are going to someday grow up to become the people we hope they will be, we have to let them have their wings and solo more and more on their own.