Sam's Single Mom

Jody Seidler is Sam's Mom. Sam's Single Mom. When she went through a divorce she coped with her distress and confusion by networking with other single parents at Sam's school, creating its first support system for single parents. Two and a half years later, she has organized additional groups for parents at her work and synagogue, created a great Web site for single parents called Making Lemonade, and published articles on single parenting in print and online. Here's what our Mom of the Week had to say regarding divorce, peer support, and building a life that works.

Sam's Divorce

Divorce is a difficult and life-changing decision, not only for parents but for our children, as well. My son had a lot of emotions about my divorce. Suddenly, his whole world was turned upside-down. He was angry at his dad and me for doing this to him. He was scared about what our divorce meant for him, and he kept attempting to fix it! He also secretly worried that the divorce was his fault.

To try and help him, I first went to the library to find books on divorce. I was surprised to discover the lack of books dealing with the array of emotions which children go through during divorce. I decided to sit down with my son and write some stories about divorce, dealing with feelings of being abandoned, and the worries about living in two homes. When I put together my first single-parent support group, I included support for our kids, as well.

Looking for Support

I was truly motivated to find some single-parent support once my son Sam began school. Being newly separated, I was going through quite a bit of turmoil; in fact my head was spinning with fear, doubt, and confusion. I felt alone in my challenges, partly because my friendships had changed when my lifestyle changed from married to single.

I found myself on the school playground eyeballing the ring fingers of the women and men standing around me. I was a newly single parent looking for support, and there was no way for me to discover who was married and who was a single parent. So I sought to establish a support group for people like me who were going through the transition from married to single parents.

I was lucky to be involved in a progressive school system which was open to starting a group that catered to single parents. We used sign-up sheets at PTA meetings, flyers, and word of mouth to let people know about the group. Our first meeting was incredible! Forty parents attended, including the Vice Principal of our school, a single Mom.

The group became a vital opportunity for parents to share fears and voice concerns about single parenting and divorce. "Veteran" single parents were able to share vital tips with us newcomers, and people could ask for and receive practical help. The group provided our children the chance to realize that their feelings and fears were shared by other children of divorcing families.

This group now incorporates support for the parents, therapy groups for the children, child-care coops, lectures, seminars, social adventures, single parent discounts within the community, and an emotional and career support network. We have a monthly Forum with guest speakers and lecturers, we have counselors for the children, and we are forming issue-oriented weekly therapy groups for the adults.

A Bit of Advice

If you are newly separated and just entering into the world of single motherhood, my strongest advice is don't go it alone! Get reality checks from long-time single mothers; share your fears and concerns with others; join a support group. I have received enormous support and comfort through sharing myself with other single mothers. I have seen my child find comfort from other single-parent children. I have watched numerous single mothers forge a new life for themselves through the support of others who have walked this way before.

Thorny Issues We All Face

Even though we are mothers, we are still women. Therefore dating, romance, and sex will (we hope) enter the picture at some point. Where to meet men to date, dealing with trust issues, what to do with the children, when do they meet the new "friend"... this topic is an entire thesis. I have learned to trust my instincts, and I have found some wonderful male friends through support groups, on-line, and through friends. Like everything else, it is a slow process of letting go, discovery, and trust... something our children go through along with us. But there is hope, because now we know what we do want -- and don't want -- in a relationship.

It is also quite challenging for some of us single Moms to share custody with our ex's. We may not like their house rules or values, and we find ourselves angry or at a loss when communicating our concerns. If the divorce was hostile, we may not even want to speak to them at all. I've recently started communicating with my ex through e-mail. That has helped me because I can take a breath before responding, and I don't have to hear his voice on the phone. Another stress reducer is phrasing complaints as "I statements"; i.e., "I feel _____ when you do ______ because ______." (This is a good technique to use with our kids too.)

About Resentment

The transition from married to single Mom is a difficult transition for most of us. We're still mourning the past and the loss of a dream while in the midst of trying to adjust to a bewildering present and an unknown, uncertain future. So much of our lives feel "out of control." This is a scary time for mothers and children, filled with negative emotions.

All single parents have to struggle with feelings of resentment that our lifestyle is not what it was, that time for ourselves is now scarcer than it was before, and of course there is the resentment toward our ex for the problems of the past and present. Resentment, however, takes us nowhere. It keeps us stuck in the past, unable to use our energies for our present needs.

However, it is a very powerful and deep emotion to shake. It makes us feel self righteous. And it keeps some of us locked into the position of "poor me" victim status. It serves to fuel our anger which we believe gets us through the day. But in the end, resentment is a powerful poison that eats away at our insides.

Resentment will not undo the past and will only poison our futures, and hence our children's futures. It takes time, but if we are to get on with our lives, we have to let go of resentment. First of all, we need to accept our role and responsibility in the failures of our relationships, and then we have to let our resentments go. This is not easy to do, I know.

An Encouraging Word

There have been many changes in my life since I became a single Mom. I have discovered creative ways to save money, and to share child care with other single parents. I've had to take a crash course in time-management. Most importantly, it's made me more independent and confident. It's become clear to me that the mother of invention was a single mother -- I feel that if you can negotiate single parenting, you can excel at anything.

Remember, single parenthood is not a deficit. It is an opportunity to actively create extended family units that are both empowering and part of the foundation of the future of our society. If you are a single Mom, you are not alone; 62% of parents in this country are single parents now. Reach out and find the support you need to cope with the challenges you're facing. It does begin with you!

--reprinted with permission from MomsOnline.