"55 Things Every Divorcing Mom Should Know!
Creator Jodi Seidler is also available to consult with you find the support you need; helping you with the rough transition into the land of single-parent-hood. Sometimes it's a scary neighborhood and you shouldn't walk the streets alone.
Are you thinking about what it will be
like to be a single parent?
If you have children, and you are thinking about getting a divorce - consider whether you will ever really be a Single Parent? For the most part, because of your child/ren, you and your spouse be connected to each other for the rest of your lives!
The
truth is, while you will cease to be an intact family, you and your spouse
will each be a part of your child's extended family. As your child is
growing up, and even when your child becomes an adult, you will both be
a vital part of your their life.
In
addition to the regular contact you will have with each other because
of your child, there will be graduations, celebrations, weddings, grandchildren,
and a whole array of family functions involving the next generation. If
you see your ex-spouse at a future family function, what would you like
the nature of that encounter to be? Will you end your marriage in such
a way as to take into consideration the fact that dividing your child's
family will affect your child?
As
with all human interactions, sometimes the best way to know how you are
affecting another person is to imagine what it would be like to be that
person. Imagine that you are the child, and your parents are getting a
divorce.
First,
more than likely, you will want your parents to stay together, no matter
how bad things were. However, if a divorce is inevitable, .... Imagine....:
Would you want to be put into a position in which you are forced to choose
between your parents? Would you want your access to either of your parents
to be limited? Would you want one parent to make all major decisions affecting
you? Or, would you want the benefit of both parents' input in major decisions?
Would you want only one parent to show up at you school activities, sporting
events, etc.? Would you like for one parent to be financially thriving,
while the other one is financially struggling? Would you want one parent
to speak badly about the other parent in your presence? Would you want
your parents to discuss the problems they are having with each other with
you? Would you want your parents to fight over you, trying to exclude
or greatly limit your other parent from your life?
Now, as the child, if you had your choice, which approach would you prefer your parents take:
The
Adversarial Approach.
One, or both, of your parents makes assertions that they are the parent
who is more suitable to be primarily, or exclusively, responsible for
raising you, and/or making major decisions for you.
Experts are brought into the case, and your life, to give their opinions
as to how much time you should spend with each parent, and which parent
should have the authority to make major decisions regarding your life.
Perhaps,
there will be a probation department investigation.
As a result, you, as the child, may be interviewed by both the experts
and/or the probation investigator.
If you are old enough, you may be interviewed by the judge considering
your future.
If
there is a trial, both of your parents, with the help of their experts,
will present testimony and evidence to convince the judge that they
are your best parent.
At the end of the trial, a judge will make the decision as to how much
time you will spend with each parent; how major decisions regarding
your life will be made; whom you will spend your holidays and vacations
with; and how much money one parent will pay to the other parent for
your financial benefit.
It does not end there, because after these decisions are imposed on
both you and your parents, you are now all left to live the rest of
your lives abiding by these decisions.
If
these decisions are not abided by, due to the actions or inactions of
one parent, then it begins all over again - with your parents fighting
over you, and perhaps, returning to the adversarial system again, to
make further decisions, or to impose sanctions.
The
Mediation Approach.
Either through the advises of attorneys, or on their own, your parents
decide that they will voluntarily sit down together, with the help of
a neutral-third person, and make the decisions regarding your life,
and theirs lives.
For issues that involve you, your parents consider your best interests
first, not just their own individual needs or wants.
Your parents develop a parenting plan that will best ensure that you
will be able to spend sufficient time with both parents, to benefit
from their love, affection, influence, support, and ideas.
This
parenting plan will take into consideration where you will go to school,
and how you will be able to continue your sports and other extracurricular
activities, with the least disruption as possible.
Your parents will decide other issues, including how the economic aspects
of their divorce will be worked out so that there will not an unfair
imbalance in their future lives.
In the process of the mediation, perhaps your parents will learn to communicate with each other, at least regarding issues that involve you. While the world does not revolve around you, as the child, you are both financially, and emotionally affected by your parents' divorce.
Now,
back to reality
You
are the parent, you are the one who is in the position to make the above
important decisions. If you choose the mediation approach (even though
your decision to end you marriage will also change forever the only
family your child has ever known), you may do so in such a way as to
afford each family member the ability to begin repairing the aftermath
of the divorce, and to begin thriving as a person, in the least possible
amount of time.
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About the author: Virginia Maroulakos Rucinski, Esq., is an Accredited
Professional Mediator in New Jersey. http://www.3winwin.com/
