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Raising My Son to Manhood...
When your child begins to act out after the divorce, it seems like, in a business sense, that your child is trying to be a CEO of the family! Some of that is okay because they are stretching their communication legs to state who they are (or think they are) and what they want from the family structure.
It’s tough when you’re a single parenting after your marriage has dissolved. Coping with divorce and helping children cope with that, as well as helping them learn to become an independent being, can be difficult.
The best way to circumvent this behavior from repeating over and over is to set rules within the house and also have a conversation with your ex (if you aren’t really on speaking terms, then I propose you use e-mail). This conversation will be about creating the same rules in both homes.
With consistency and same rules applying, there is less wiggle room for tantrums and mutiny. You can create an agreement that you can tell your child about, and they can sign to make it official. You can say to your child “Oh really, daddy (or mommy) said you have ice cream for dinner whenever you want? Let’s go call him now and find out if that’s true.”
Watch how quickly your child says, “Just kidding.” The more you say, “Let’s ask daddy or mommy” the more this behavior will cease. Now, remember it takes 21 days to break a habit (at least for adults) so be patient and know when this behavior ceases something else will pop up. It’s ALL age appropriate.
Talk to other parents with children the same age that are single parents and you’ll see what I mean. Share tips with each other — it’s actually fun. Your child is testing his/her power by manipulating, and as they grow, so do the tests.
So, take your vitamins and show your child who is the adult and the boss, and allow them to take responsibility for their actions by saying, “let’s call daddy…”
Chances are you’ll never have to make that call!
In divorce, the hope is that things are done for the best interest of the child. Sometimes it turns into a war zone, and sometimes it merely becomes a business agreement.
When emotions run high and couples fight OR enter into a litigation (battle), things can get complicated. The best thing to is get emotions, anger, sadness and all those negative emotions, to a therapist or someone to help sort these feelings out — so the child does become a causality of the shared custody and support zone.
People can use the child as a hostage to get more support, people can withhold support or custody out of anger…and the one who suffers the most is the innocent child. Best to move on, keeping your child safe from battle and parent alienation syndrome (parents bad mouthing each other in the vicinity of the child). We need to shoot for win-wins, not getting even. And know that as your child grows, there are many many great opportunities for your ex to get more involved and grow, too.
I’ve learned long and hard that you can’t change anybody and you can’t make someone do something they don’t want to do, men or women (Fathers or Mothers). Be grateful that you have a wonderful child or children. Know that as your child grows, more options open up.
You’ve been given a wonderful gift of life. I know it’s a challenge, but try and stay in the love and blessing of it and try not to look at what your ex isn’t doing. Discover the deep joy in loving and taking care of yourself and your child. If the parent isn’t happy – no one is happy. And please bypass any tendency for “revenge” and even resentment, it most times backfires!
The best quote I ever heard and it stuck with me throughout my divorce, and beyond is:
“Resentment is like taking poison, expecting the other person to die”.dd an answer to this item.
How do we really know when is the right time to say good-bye when a relationship or marriage is no longer working for us…especially when there are children involved?
The Children Know. Experts and psychologists have varying answers depending on the circumstances, it makes sense these days not to stay for the children. Parents seem to think children don’t sense or hear what’s going on in a non-functioning relationship - but surprise! They do! Hearing what children think would really blow the minds of parents who have little or no idea how smart their kids are. If we ever took the time to literally ask them possible solutions to a challenge we were having – we would be amazed at how brilliant their suggestions are. I’m not saying use your child as a friend for advice or counseling…what I am saying is please don’t under-estimate your child when it comes to thinking you are successful at hiding household problems from them.
Time Zone. Letting go is important in many situations that no longer work, when we let go – we can allow something else to come in. It is important to heal in the time between the letting go and accepting something new; we do not want to jump from one relationship to another – for many reasons.
Support is Key. When is the right time to let go of a marriage or an important relationship and move on? You have to trust yourself in the knowledge and make sure you have a support system intact to support you through some of the dark tunnels you’ll be traveling through.
Staying Single. I have quite a number of friends who have decided to remain single. I’m not sure if they are saying it or that the universe will surprise them with a new man or if they really mean it. These days it is not so horrific to want to be single, because (1) there are not a lot of good, single men around to meet and (2) our eyes are focused on the wrong men. I used to have a three-page list of what I wanted in a man. I shopped around using that list and ta-dah – I attracted the ‘wrong’ men. I was asking for a man that did not ______, instead of one that had a specific quality.
The New List. After a few rounds of revolving door dating, I created a new list, a five-point adaptation. He had to be funny, a devoted man, a generous-spirited man with family values, and lastly, he had to be looking for a committed loving relationship, unwounded from his past. Well, the past wounds are a difficult one to find because we are all wounded children inside, however as long as someone is open to finding healing; it’s there to be found. The best thing to me about stepping into a relationship is how we learn about you. A friend of mine says it’s like putting miracle-grow on our defects. It’s true! I cannot believe, as time goes on, how much I learn about me and out of that – I become a better girlfriend, mother, and person.
worlds.
Have fun. Just remember that we are just as scary to the opposite sex as they are to us. On date two, try and be natural AND try to not over-analyze everything that occurs. Dating after a divorce is intimidating enough as it is – without having to try and impress the other person. Sometimes, after divorce, people talk about, complain about, and rant about their X’s to anyone who will listen. Do not do it on dates – if you want to continue dating a person you really like.
Don’t take anything personally. When we date, we are vulnerable, not unlike how teenagers feel. ‘Does he like me?’, ‘Does he think I’m cute?, ‘does she think I’m smart? She gets worried if his eyes are off of us and on someone else at dinner. He is concerned if we look like we aren’t paying attention to his story at dinner. Try not to take anything personally, most of the time it isn’t about us. It’s human nature for people to be stuck in their own world. This is a good time to dip your toes into dating waters and get comfortable without evaluating or critiquing.
They’re Nervous Too. So when you’ve made it past the first date and find yourself with someone you actually like and would like to see again – remember your date is nervous too. Instead of watching for signs that he or she may hurt you, just enjoy yourself and know you’re with another vulnerable person on the planet, who is just as unsure and nervous…just another person looking for love.
Leave the kids out of the conversation for now. So many post-divorce daters jump into conversations about their children (not just how old they are, but their entire childhood history and genealogy gets revealed). If you leave the children out of the equation, for now, you can get to know the person (not the parent); and you’ll be able to ease yourself back into dating and romance as a man or woman – not as a parent. Uncover. There is always time to reveal your parenting styles and share…but the first or second date is better for determining if this PERSON could be right for you…
Now, it’s all about YOU.
As a single parent, we have to be really creative with time. We need to make sure that we have time to read magazines if we wanted, to make sure we have time to do the things we did before, so we don’t feel ripped off or angry about all of the limits we have now.
You can set up little rituals around the house. You can set up a ritual where mommy takes a bath at 8:00, where she can read magazines, light a candle, or take some time for herself. While mommy’s doing that, you go and read a book or you watch your favorite program.
There’s little rituals you can create which actually make it a lot more fun for the whole family, and you get to actually take care of yourself as well.
And when you are ready – you can even find time to date…
Missing what you had in marriage is a common emotion when we are facing or moving through a divorce. It’s important that you do something about it because your child is going to look to you for support.
When I get in a confused state, I often write a letter to my future self – an affirming pep talk so to speak. If you feel like you have no future, you cannot create one for yourself and be there in your body for your child or children. I visualize myself in a good place and write down all the things I want to do with my life, and what I want to create.
Whether it’s traveling to a place I have never been, getting healthy and ready for a new relationship one day (there is a healing time that needs to take place so we are healthier and ready to bring in a person that is healthy too). Once we have things to feel positive and excited about, we can get ourselves off the sofa or out of the bed and begin to live our lives.
The last thing we want, as parents, is for our children to be afraid for us or think they have to take care of us. Many children of divorce end of feeling that have to take care of their parent, and it’s here where a child can lose years of their childhood. We do not want that to happen, you see it in children of an alcoholic parent, a depressed parent or a parent that has lost hope in the financial and emotions roller coaster of divorce.
So, get out a notebook and start rewriting your story, begin to plan our your new life with exciting new adventures: a wish list or bullet points of what you want to create for yourself and your children. Find support with a therapist or close friend if need it, a lot of us have been where you, are and are willing and able to help you move past the depression, fear and numbness you might be feeling.
You owe it to yourself!
Whenever holidays come at us...it’s time to slow down and take a deep breath. Let’s not forget we are making memories for our children with everything we do - so why not be creative.
Those Emotions: If you’re filled with resentment (which, by the way is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die), anger (which only zaps OUR energy), fear (false evidence appearing real) or concern (that’s much more empathic) - it’s time to step outside of those feelings and step into gratitude and count our blessings. The first thing my son and I will do this holiday season is to look around his room. Phase two is to gather up all the toys he never plays with and those he probably won’t play with and box them up. Phase three is to take the boxes to a hospital or center for needy children. This action feels good and also teaches the child to share and create great memories for everyone concerned. It also creates good karma points.
Making Memories: It’s fun to take pictures or videos to create lasting memories. You can make a wonderful scrapbook from holiday souvenirs, and you can share these with family and friends. If you’re on your own for this holiday- ask the other parent to take pictures and make duplicates for you so you can share in the joy and have a memory for you and your child at your home too. If there’s stress between the two parents, make a pact that for holidays - you will bother share photographs with each other - for the joy of your child.
Gratitude is the Theme: Holidays after a life transition can be challenging, if this is your first holiday season after a divorce or death of a spouse - be tender with yourself. It’s difficult, but try to stay out of the past and what was...build up your strength to create a new present and future for you and your child. Find the support you need, get plenty of rest and rediscover gratitude for the greatest gift of all -- your child!
Love Your Life. Get yourself a life coach or another person going through a divorce or separation that you can share the experiences with. It is very important to have support for you and even your children. It is also quite important to have a life you love and not stay in a situation that no longer works for you.
Remember, it’s time for you now. As sad as it might feel to have your child leave the nest to start their own life – it’s good for you both. As single parents, many of us have given our whole selves to our children and haven’t really gotten to know who we are. Now comes more freedom; the time for us to get to know who we are, what we like and to see what’s next for us. Here are tips to help you as you start your new single life as a single parent.
1. Develop a plan to keep in touch.
There are other choices and forms of communicating besides the telephone. With the invent of texting and email, we can become more playful in the way we communicate with our children.
You can set up a Sunday night call to catch up on your lives in their new form, and texting with and without pictures is an exciting way to keep in touch as well. Sometimes new levels of relationship form when we get creative in the ways in which we communicate, so now is a time to be more creative.
2. Teach your child about finances.
If you haven’t already, now is the time to teach your child about budgets and finances. I created a method that seems to work for us. I use a very low limit credit card in my son’s name, mostly for emergencies (but also to build his credit).
I also gave him a pre-spending card that acts like a debit card. I add the money as an allowance and other people can add gifts of money to the card as well. The best part is that I can see what he spends his money on as well, as a safeguard. The more options you can give your child and keep them financially safe…the more you are honoring them as young adults. Warn them about accepting college credit card applications, which can be dangerous and keep an eye on how they spend their money.
3. Be your child’s role model.
It’s good to remember, that no matter how old your children are, they look up to you as role models – whether they say so or not. Whether it’s financial, problem-solving, and the ways in which you communicate…our children’s eyes and ears are upon us. So, be strong. Know what a great job you did raising your children to become the adults they are becoming.
We have guided them, nagged them, worried about them, and now it’s time to let go alittle, for ourselves and our children. How many times have our children told us to “go get a life?” Trust you did a great job – and go get your own life now. You can do it!
The finale of being a strong and successful single parent is when we segue from solo parenting to the sans-child art of being an empty nester. All the juggling acts of finances, balancing work, homework and play dates comes to an end as we send our child off to college. As much as that can sting, it also creates a new phase for us!
1. Letting Go Is Part of Life.
Just know that teenagers try and separate from their parents in ways that might astound us and make us sad. We might even utter words our parents used, like “You don’t appreciate all I have done for you.” The truth is – they do, it’s just part of the dance of moving away and starting their own life.
2. Make Plans For Your New Life.
Just as we have to set up our kids for their own new life, we must do the same for ourselves. As adults, we’ve had to begin a new life after divorce and now we begin OUR life; and it can be scary. Time to let friends know you are more available to go out, plan getaways and ways to meet new people.
3. Keep A Journal To Ease The Way.
Being an Empty Nester means we have to be careful not to email, text or call our kids TOO much. There are a lot of feelings flying around, and it’s good to express them (in an appropriate manner). Journal writing is great for cathartic reasons but also allows us to feel our feelings without making our children feel responsible for our feelings of missing them.
4. Plan For Those College Emergencies.
If you’re afraid your child might get into trouble with their newfound freedom, there are a few things you can do to oversee their world. Giving them a low limit credit card (which you pay for) is a good way to establish their own credit and it has a hidden blessing of seeing what they spend their money on. It can be emergency money or used as an allowance.
5. Thank Yourself For The Job You Did.
Treating yourself during this transition is very important as well. Go to more movies (matinees or first show of the day are less money).
Take yourself on a date, a day trip or spa or to dinner; remember you succeeded in raising a child on your own.
Enter the world of Parent Alienation Syndrome, which is actually a syndrome. Nothing stirs up passions more than the controversy generated when parents are at war over the custody of a child. The only losers are the children, who become casualties of war.
A controversy is an issue where evidence on both sides can make a compelling case. It is never black and white, but when people have their emotions aroused, an issue can quickly turn into two polar opposites
PARENT ALIENATION SYNDROME…(P.A.S)
Fear takes over reason, incomplete facts become evidence, and court calendars become jammed with repeat visits to a judge to try to bring sanity to what is unlikely to ever be sane. On top of this, social movements are promoting one side over another in their clamor for justice. Politicians are lobbied to pass laws to bring order to chaos. Gender wars are fueled and lives are destroyed.
What has changed?
In the 1960’s and the 1970’s, feminists told fathers that they should take a more active role in raising their children. Women were going to work, going back to college and pursuing careers as never before. A shift then began, and fathers became more involved in the day-to-day care of their children than was true in previous generations. As rigidity about parental roles began to fall away, the tender years doctrine was still in place. This doctrine presumed that by virtue of the fact that a woman was the mother of a child, that she must be the superior parent. In the early 1970’s several states passed “no-fault” divorce laws, where anyone who wanted out of a marriage was free to leave. Some have called it the “no guilt laws.” There was a proliferation of divorce that was historically unprecedented.
After a family breakup, many fathers wanted to continue to be involved with the care of their children. Suddenly, they found that they had no legal right to have custody of their children unless the mother agreed to it. Due to the lobbying efforts of James Cook, founder of the Joint Custody Association, who was caught up in this problem himself, the California legislature successfully passed the first joint custody laws. Joint custody was widely seen as a better way of handling the evolving problem of how to share child custody. It was believed that it would lead to fewer fights over the custody of children because it was more equal. Other states also passed joint custody laws. These laws helped to level the playing field for fathers.
The majority of mothers and fathers welcomed joint custody. Others did not. As with any trend, there was a backlash. Child custody became a highly political gender-specific issue. Thus, the ramping up of high-level disputes also began in the 70’s. In most states the tender years presumption (mother knows best) was replaced with the best-interests-of-the-child presumption of joint custody (the best parent is both parents). In the 1980’s, courts began to increasingly ignore gender in determining child custody. This removed the automatic allocation of full custody rights to the mother, so she had less time with the children. Instead, the courts looked first at how the custody could be shared, and if that wasn’t possible, judicial officers attempted to determine which parent was more interested and better able to attend to the best interest of the child.
Fathers perceived that they were at a disadvantage because of a bias toward the mother having custody. Because of this, in the 1980’s more fathers than ever started showing up at parenting classes to make sure that their skills were state of the art. This is when these issues were first called to my attention. Most parents were able to share custody of their children, and they worked out childcare issues in an amicable way. A large number of women were even relieved to have fathers share in the childcare, which enabled them to pursue their personal life goals involving their education and career.
However, when there was not a friendly resolution to custody, fathers found themselves with a greater opportunity to gain joint or primary custodial status by litigating (going to court). The stakes got even higher when the legal system was used to resolve these difficult problems. In extreme cases, the alienation of a child’s affection against a targeted parent became a bizarre escalation of the intensity of the conflict.
… When I went to court
I had my documents in hand
All I wanted was child support!
Perhaps the judge was hungry,
Or else fought with his wife…
Now his gavel’s final blow
Brings more challenges to my life.
Perhaps his back was aching,
With the hardness of his chair.
Or his Honor’s parking spot
That morning wasn’t there.
Did his children misbehave?
Sass back or not eat their dinner…
Did he play the lottery?
And not come up a winner?
Did he have indigestion?
And not had much relief
Did his neighbors keep him up
So he couldn’t get to sleep?
Was there no milk for his cereal?
Or clean socks for him to wear?
Did he want to blow his nose
But had no Kleenex anywhere?
Could there have been a fly
That he simply couldn’t swat…
Or perhaps he had a hot meal
That wasn’t even hot.
It seems my judge was struggling
With the bad day that he had..
And I became the brunt of it
Which is really very sad.
I don’t understand this system of ours
Where women from Venus…
Can’t get through to men from Mars.
What of all parents
Who struggle every day…
With family and work
and ex’s who don’t pay?
It’s the children who suffer
With the decisions handed down…
Playing god with a gavel
Just doesn’t seem sound.
— Jodi Seidler (c)
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