Single Parenting Story...

When your child begins to act out after the divorce, it seems like, in a business sense, that your child is trying to be a CEO of the family! Some of that is okay because they are stretching their communication legs to state who they are (or think they are) and what they want from the family structure.

It’s tough when you’re a single parenting after your marriage has dissolved. Coping with divorce and helping children cope with that, as well as helping them learn to become an independent being, can be difficult.

The best way to circumvent this behavior from repeating over and over is to set rules within the house and also have a conversation with your ex (if you aren’t really on speaking terms, then I propose you use e-mail). This conversation will be about creating the same rules in both homes.

With consistency and same rules applying, there is less wiggle room for tantrums and mutiny. You can create an agreement that you can tell your child about, and they can sign to make it official. You can say to your child “Oh really, daddy (or mommy) said you have ice cream for dinner whenever you want? Let’s go call him now and find out if that’s true.”

Watch how quickly your child says, “Just kidding.” The more you say, “Let’s ask daddy or mommy” the more this behavior will cease.  Now, remember it takes 21 days to break a habit (at least for adults) so be patient and know when this behavior ceases something else will pop up. It’s ALL age appropriate.

Talk to other parents with children the same age that are single parents and you’ll see what I mean. Share tips with each other — it’s actually fun.  Your child is testing his/her power by manipulating, and as they grow, so do the tests.

So, take your vitamins and show your child who is the adult and the boss, and allow them to take responsibility for their actions by saying, “let’s call daddy…”

Chances are you’ll never have to make that call!

In divorce, the hope is that things are done for the best interest of the child. Sometimes it turns into a war zone, and sometimes it merely becomes a business agreement.

When emotions run high and couples fight OR enter into a litigation (battle), things can get complicated. The best thing to is get emotions, anger, sadness and all those negative emotions, to a therapist or someone to help sort these feelings out — so the child does become a causality of the shared custody and support zone.

People can use the child as a hostage to get more support, people can withhold support or custody out of anger…and the one who suffers the most is the innocent child. Best to move on, keeping your child safe from battle and parent alienation syndrome (parents bad mouthing each other in the vicinity of the child). We need to shoot for win-wins, not getting even. And know that as your child grows, there are many many great opportunities for your ex to get more involved and grow, too.

I’ve learned long and hard that you can’t change anybody and you can’t make someone do something they don’t want to do, men or women (Fathers or Mothers). Be grateful that you have a wonderful child or children. Know that as your child grows, more options open up.

You’ve been given a wonderful gift of life. I know it’s a challenge, but try and stay in the love and blessing of it and try not to look at what your ex isn’t doing. Discover the deep joy in loving and taking care of yourself and your child. If the parent isn’t happy – no one is happy. And please bypass any tendency for “revenge” and even resentment, it most times backfires!

The best quote I ever heard and it stuck with me throughout my divorce, and beyond is:

“Resentment is like taking poison, expecting the other person to die”.dd an answer to this item.

How do we really know when is the right time to say good-bye when a relationship or marriage is no longer working for us…especially when there are children involved?

The Children Know.  Experts and psychologists have varying answers depending on the circumstances,  it makes sense these days not to stay for the children.  Parents seem to think children don’t sense or hear what’s going on in a non-functioning relationship  - but surprise!  They do! Hearing what children think would really blow the minds of parents who have little or no idea how smart their kids are.  If we ever took the time to literally ask them possible solutions to a challenge we were having – we would be amazed at how brilliant their suggestions are.  I’m not saying use your child as a friend for advice or counseling…what I am saying is please don’t under-estimate your child when it comes to thinking you are successful at hiding household problems from them.   

Time Zone. Letting go is important in many situations that no longer work, when we let go – we can allow something else to come in.  It is important to heal in the time between the letting go and accepting something new; we do not want to jump from one relationship to another – for many reasons.  

Support is Key.  When is the right time to let go of a marriage or an important relationship and move on?  You have to trust yourself in the knowledge and make sure you have a support system intact to support you through some of the dark tunnels you’ll be traveling through. 

Staying Single.  I have quite a number of friends who have decided to remain single.  I’m not sure if they are saying it or that the universe will surprise them with a new man or if they really mean it.  These days it is not so horrific to want to be single, because (1) there are not a lot of good, single men around to meet and (2) our eyes are focused on the wrong men.  I used to have a three-page list of what I wanted in a man.  I shopped around using that list and ta-dah – I attracted the ‘wrong’ men.  I was asking for a man that did not ______, instead of one that had a specific quality.  

The New List.  After a few rounds of revolving door dating, I created a new list, a five-point adaptation.   He had to be funny, a devoted man, a generous-spirited man with family values, and lastly, he had to be looking for a committed loving relationship, unwounded from his past.  Well, the past wounds are a difficult one to find because we are all wounded children inside, however as long as someone is open to finding healing; it’s there to be found.  The best thing to me about stepping into a relationship is how we learn about you.  A friend of mine says it’s like putting miracle-grow on our defects.  It’s true!  I cannot believe, as time goes on, how much I learn about me and out of that – I become a better girlfriend, mother, and person.  

 worlds.

Remember, it’s time for you now. As sad as it might feel to have your child leave the nest to start their own life – it’s good for you both. As single parents, many of us have given our whole selves to our children and haven’t really gotten to know who we are. Now comes more freedom; the time for us to get to know who we are, what we like and to see what’s next for us. Here are tips to help you as you start your new single life as a single parent.

1. Develop a plan to keep in touch.

There are other choices and forms of communicating besides the telephone. With the invent of texting and email, we can become more playful in the way we communicate with our children.

You can set up a Sunday night call to catch up on your lives in their new form, and texting with and without pictures is an exciting way to keep in touch as well. Sometimes new levels of relationship form when we get creative in the ways in which we communicate, so now is a time to be more creative.

2. Teach your child about finances.

If you haven’t already, now is the time to teach your child about budgets and finances. I created a method that seems to work for us. I use a very low limit credit card in my son’s name, mostly for emergencies (but also to build his credit).

I also gave him a pre-spending card that acts like a debit card. I add the money as an allowance and other people can add gifts of money to the card as well. The best part is that I can see what he spends his money on as well, as a safeguard. The more options you can give your child and keep them financially safe…the more you are honoring them as young adults. Warn them about accepting college credit card applications, which can be dangerous and keep an eye on how they spend their money.

3. Be your child’s role model.

It’s good to remember, that no matter how old your children are, they look up to you as role models – whether they say so or not. Whether it’s financial, problem-solving, and the ways in which you communicate…our children’s eyes and ears are upon us. So, be strong. Know what a great job you did raising your children to become the adults they are becoming.

We have guided them, nagged them, worried about them, and now it’s time to let go alittle, for ourselves and our children. How many times have our children told us to “go get a life?” Trust you did a great job – and go get your own life now. You can do it!

The finale of being a strong and successful single parent is when we segue from solo parenting to the sans-child art of being an empty nester.  All the juggling acts of finances, balancing work, homework and play dates comes to an end as we send our child off to college.  As much as that can sting, it also creates a new phase for us!

1.  Letting Go Is Part of Life.
Just know that teenagers try and separate from their parents in ways that might astound us and make us sad.  We might even utter words our parents used, like “You don’t appreciate all I have done for you.”  The truth is – they do, it’s just part of the dance of moving away and starting their own life.

2.  Make Plans For Your New Life.
Just as we have to set up our kids for their own new life, we must do the same for ourselves.  As adults, we’ve had to begin a new life after divorce and now we begin OUR life; and it can be scary.  Time to let friends know you are more available to go out, plan getaways and ways to meet new people.

3.  Keep A Journal To Ease The Way.
Being an Empty Nester means we have to be careful not to email, text or call our kids TOO much.  There are a lot of feelings flying around, and it’s good to express them (in an appropriate manner).  Journal writing is great for cathartic reasons but also allows us to feel our feelings without making our children feel responsible for our feelings of missing them.

4.  Plan For Those College Emergencies.
If you’re afraid your child might get into trouble with their newfound freedom, there are a few things you can do to oversee their world.  Giving them a low limit credit card (which you pay for) is a good way to establish their own credit and it has a hidden blessing of seeing what they spend their money on.  It can be emergency money or used as an allowance.

5.  Thank Yourself For The Job You Did.
Treating yourself during this transition is very important as well.  Go to more movies (matinees or first show of the day are less money).

Take yourself on a date, a day trip or spa or to dinner; remember you succeeded in raising a child on your own.